A 2020 Recap/A New Journey for 2021

    Obviously for many 2020 was a truly chaotic year, and in that respect I am no different. Certainly COVID-19 the Corona Virus from Hell certainly contributed. But that is a on a much lager all encompassing scale. For myself 2020 was a series of events that were both amazing and awful at the same time. On Jan 1, 2020 I married a woman, whom I loved. Which in hindsight was very selfish of me in many ways, because though I loved her, and in may respects I still do, I failed to account for her well being and happiness. She had VERY recently divorced and had not fully processed the implications therein. I had also thought I could handle the situation with her and my children's mother, however how I chose to manage that was deceitful, I led my wife to believe things, that were not true, though also not lies. Now that is not something that I can live with, so I will say that my not directly telling my wife that the woman I had children with and I did not have a direct child support/parenting agreement as defined by the court was wrong. Truth is my children's mother and I had always gotten along well, and openly communicated and adjusted in kind for the betterment of our children. That said  I should have been honest about that up front, because I knew my wife harbored a ton of animosity for my children's mother. Therefore my attempt to manipulate that situation to prevent conflict was wrong.  In addition to my own deceit, I was truly unprepared to be with someone who quite obviously still struggled with her own issues, though they are hers and not for me to discuss. Had we taken the time to understand one another better, this would have never happened. We simply got married to fast to fully understand one another.  This ultimately led to a tremendous love affair, a very happy blended family that very very quickly devolved into an utter disaster within 5 months. We were officially divorced September 1 , 2020... Yes we had a 9 month marriage that would have been much shorter had it not been for the effects of COVID-19. This alone is a tremendous embarrassment and failure on my part, in addition it hurt both our families in the long run.  But to this day I still very much care for my ex wife and know a part of my heart will always be hers and I truly love her children. That said our divorce was what was right in the long run.

    Well obviously divorce is hard enough to deal with for most people, and in typical DJ fashion I could not just leave it there. There was the obvious stress of moving...TWICE... But COVID strikes in March and is accompanied by the lockdown, which sent me into a tailspin of PTSD like symptoms similar to what I had experienced post open heart surgery 2 years prior. Those symptoms blossomed into a full blow depression and all the fun symptoms therein. I tried not to be 100% male here and sought help, and that also blew up in my face as I react VERY VERY badly to a certain class of drug. Anyway the symptoms turned up to about 11, and the inner voices of failure, of weakness, of rage were truly out of control. Ultimately this led to getting with a therapist and a doctor who properly treated my depression and I am improving, but many months later, I still recognize it will be a very long time before I am whole again. 

    There were some bright spots, or odd spots in the year. Of all things I started making Social Media content on TikTok, and holy shit did that blow up in a good way. Some people will say it was stupid, but frankly it let me rediscover a part of me I felt was lost, and let me find the joy that making other people laugh has always brought me, and here I sit, Old irritating dude living in WV who has gained what I consider a good following and I continue to grow, by telling bad jokes and roasting people. Who would have imagined I would go viral on a social media platform but it happened. I have also moved much closer to my older 4 kids and that relationship is so unique and to this day grows and I could not be more grateful. The 2 terror tots and I have spent so much time together while their mom fought various illnesses, that I know we have forged a special bond that will never be broken.  I got to see the terror tots Mom go through hell and come through the other side a better person and someone who in many respects I do admire, I watched this amazing young woman who is a very loving mother, mature right in front of my very eyes. The kindness and compassion she displayed with the death of my aunt, and the death of my stepfathers Dad, is something I will never forget and will always forge in my mind who the mother of my children has become. 

    To close out 2020, my big dumb ass landed in the hospital for my heart once again and though it was a nasty scare I am ok and my ticker is performing well overall so I have not complaints. That said it was a wonderful wake up call with regards to how I need to take care of myself which leads into 2021.

    I recognize some things in myself that are toxic, and things I need to change, I am incredibly self loathing in a lot of respects, my inner voice tells me things that are had to shake and when I try to do something new they become the very loudest. Set off on a new shot at a goal and that voice will pop in my head telling me I will fail, like I have so many other times. That I am wasting my time, why even try. These are all normal thoughts I guess, but I realized I was starting to believe them, and that is scary. So as I start 2021 I do have goals like I do every year, not so much resolutions because I find that fickle. But the goals are not my approach, my approach is to make the small changes every single day that will lead me there.. Regardless of the goal to keep going, to keep the discipline, to fall in love with the process again. 

    The goals are not unlike other people, I want to lose weight, I want to be more financially astute, I want to run a certain race for the first time in years... All of these goals are certainly things I can accomplish. Hell keeping this blog is something I want to accomplish as well... But I realize that the goals just provide ideals, the truth is if I love the process, if I stay disciplined I will eventually get there. But I will get there a better version of who I am, not just someone who fought to achieve a goal but did not change who they were at their core. 

So here is a big kiss my ass to 2020, and a smiling, smirking, bring it on 2021.

DJ